One year she gave me two shirts and a pair of plastic flip-flops. So I could look stylish in the summer. The shirts were not only horribly patterned. But were size XLT, which she’d originally purchased for my Grandpa. But they were too big for him – Grandma: “He’ll grow into them!” I was eight years old. The sandals were very obviously a pair of May 1985 My 35th Birthday The One Where I Was Quarantined 2020 Shirt. That from a hotel my grandparents had visited back in the 60s. They were so old that they shattered – yes, shattered. The Barbara Bag. So when I got my driver’s license, Grandma thought she’d celebrate the occasion by gifting me a road safety kit. Then it essentially a small bag filled with items one might need in the event of a car-related emergency.
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The only issue was that this kit was pink and filled with items specifically for a woman. Pink jumper cables, pink gloves, pink flashlight, and, most importantly, feminine products. The kit bag also had the name “Barbara” embroidered on it. Opening that in front of my drunk uncles on Christmas Day is something I will not soon forget. Grandma had May 1985 My 35th Birthday The One Where I Was Quarantined 2020 Shirt to magazines for the waiting area of her hair salon. She saved every single copy of every single magazine. Then she received for the thirty years she was in business. Knowing I was a reader, she carefully selected a collection she thought I’d enjoy, and boxed them up. When I put them on my feet. Until I began thumbing through the magazines.
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Upon receipt, I took stock of the collection: Reader’s Digest, Ranger Rick, National Geographic, a few Rolling Stone. Well, as far as Grandma gifts go. I’d thought, this one isn’t that terrible… I opened to a page that featured a bikini-clad woman in a liquor ad. The woman’s body had been completely outlined and filled in May 1985 My 35th Birthday The One Where I Was Quarantined 2020 Shirt. Confused, I continued turning the pages. Only to discover more of these bizarre, featureless Sharpie silhouettes. Turns out, Grandma – a devoutly religious woman – had painstakingly gone through each magazine, page by page. And covered every single photo of any person pictured in a suggestive pose. In an effort to shield my young eyes from such temptations of the flesh. Yeah.
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